Tragic!!!: People you've been trying to stay totally unbothered about keep appearing in your dreams!
I for real do not know why this is becoming a consistent thing. It's never in a good context either, it's always involving me getting rejected again, or attempting to reconcile, or gravely hurting them in some way. Are they gonna haunt me with visions that'll teach me the value of Christmas next?? I didn't even know them for that long, and it's been months since we interacted, so I don't fuckin know why my brain is still obsessing over them. I bet none of them even give half a fuck about me as I do about them.
It's fuckin embarrasing because I feel like a seething loser who can't stand seeing them act exactly as happy as they were with me than without me. Like they never actually gave a shit. I still get pissed off when I think about the whole thing. C refusing to communicate with me about what I'd done until I came to ask why he'd blocked me and kicked me from the group, and then refusing to give me any second chances after I explained myself, A not talking to me for weeks and then acting like an asshole because I lightly asked if we could still be friends, nobody even explaining shit to E, and then when I did her having so little backbone that she sided with the others anyway despite agreeing with me. I genuinely hate all 3 of them and it fuckin hurt to get cut off like that but I don't think it meant anything to them. Anything I act on will make me look 10x more like an asshole though and prove them right about me so all I can do is act polite and completely fuck off out of their eyeline forever. Which like, yeah! It's annoying and embarassing! And I can't even do it because we work 2 rooms apart! I kinda hope performing arts does shut down like they said so they leave after this year and I don't have to see them again, genuinely.
Apart from that and the general despair of living (thankfully I don't think I've fully comprehended the absolute existential nightmare that all these horrifying world tragedies and calamities trcontain yet), things have been going fine actually. Great, even. I have my own beginner credit card now which is freeing. Coral Raleigh my bike is finally back after months of getting fixed, and I forgot how fuckin amazing it feels to have a bike. You can go anywhere so fast and it's so fun. I kinda feel like a horse girl but for my bike, I personify her a lot, she's like a horse to me. A disobediant horse. A disobediant horse with a weak immune system and too much energy. I love her dearly. I've been getting back in the swing of writing too (I even finished a short fic) if only to share with Ozzy. I don't think I'll *ever* be a truly great writer, even a good writer, but it is very fun and that won't stop me. I've been going outside every day, the sun is out, there's treasure to find. I think soon I'll go to the river again because I did about a week ago and found fucktons of great stuff (mainly blue ceramic, my favourite).
I'm still on friendmaking too. Still talking with Ash (drifted pretty fast from Ryan unfortunately), and I've been chatting with a guy called Sam too. He's nice, interesting to talk to if at times odd and confusing, and he send me a lot of music and memes. Joined a new Dnd group too in the new games shop in town. They seem like great people but I suppose time will tell (we've only had one session so far). They all have fun characters too. So far my favourite guy is.. I haven't seen his name written down but it's pronounced "Ar-Mush". He's playing a harengon cleric called Hip Hop and he's by far the most social of the group so he carries the conversation a lot. My only worry is that our dm John is running a Ludicrous amount of campaigns all at once, like 8 so I've heard, and I feel like it's a total burnout waiting to happen.
While I've been writing more I've also been drawing less, which isn't necessarily a bad thing but I hope my motivation kicks back in gear soon. I'm on my final graphics project for this year (it's half term right now tho) and I think I'm doing pretty great on that. I decided to pick Brutalism as my theme, mainly out of spite, because everyone I talk to about it hates it and calls it ugly without even thinking about it (except for Ozzy who came around to it when I infodumped about it (God he's so fucking based)) including my tutor. Since I'm full of myself I thought if I designed well enough I could make people appreciate the style more too, but I don't think that's possible with my level of expertise. Nobody gets Brutalism like I do. This must be how gamers feel being around normies (joke). Unfortunately I didn't realise we Had to use real life images in our designs so all my cool artsy ideas had to be scrapped. I think I recovered alright though.
Things are going good. I still feel kinda shitty a lot, but the circumstances are good.