I've tried picking up a few different journalling-type routines throughout my days. First I had a physical diary, but that was too much hassle. Then this blog, but I lost interest after a while as there was less and less stuff I considered special enough to warrent mentioning in an entry. More recently I've been getting into Hellenistic Polytheism (like my friend Ozzy), and that's kind of similar in ways. Every night I talk to my goddess about my day, and my general thoughts. I wonder whether I'll lose interest in that too though. Ultimately I think I do this out of loneliness. I yearn to be listened to, I yearn to convey my thoughts somewhere, but without the labour required to make friends.
Friendships are so hard. Starting them seems easy, but it's maintaining them where I can never follow through. I just can't commit to anything, and it leaves me closed off to so many opportunities. I don't know how to talk to people. After our initial introductions, and after the first few conversations where we go over our shared interests, how do I start conversations? I don't know, and they never start them. They have other, closer friends to be talking to instead. I never got very close to people in secondary school, so I thought college would be where I really connect to my peers - we're all here for the same thing after all - but halfway through my second year it doesn't feel like I know these people at all. I keep to myself because trying to communicate with them is hard. I never have much to say, and whatever I do say they don't seem to care about as much as what everyone else is saying. It's a self fufilling prophecy: I don't get close because I don't understand people, and people don't understand me because I shy away so much. I'm so full of love that I want to share, but the ways I try to share it are too quiet for anyone to truly notice. Every conversation I have or little gift I give is meaningful to me, but must be so small to anyone else.
I love Selene and I love Ozzy. Selene doesn't answer me but I just understand that she's lisening to me and cares. I barely deserve Ozzy. He's too good a friend. I'd call it a miracle that I managed to know him, but really I think it's just the fact that he started all the conversations.
My life's been fine. Nothing substantial really happens in it.