1/4/2024 (aka: 17 is a bummer)

I dunno how often I'll update to this, or if I'll just give up on it after a little while like most things. I figured I might as well try. A personal website is more private than an account on social media, but more public than a diary. I have a diary, but I only really use it when I'm feeling terrible about some situation - it's only really good for that, because a diary feels like locking all your thoughts in a box somewhere, when usually you wanna let them be free at least somewhere. But then posting about your personal life on a big site not only sets yourself up for scrutiny, but for getting parts of your privacy exposed if you say too much. Idk.

It's Easter of course, or at least, it's been Easter today. My clock tells me it's now April Fools because I've stayed up late figuring this out. Easter's always felt like a half-festival, a special day not as special as the others, but now that I'm 17 it feels even more like Not Much. I did get a fuckton of chocolate - too much chocolate - and got to see my sister and baby nephew, and we had a nice proper dinner, but that's really it. I didn't get involved in the egg hunt, just like last year I didn't get involved in trick or treating. 17 is a very weird and unpleasant time, for one because it feels like the final transition from kid to adult where you barely feel adult at all. Not wanting to take part in things like that feels like an admittance of defeat towards your aging brain. Yes, I feel like a kid - I don't know fuckshit about adult living on a technical level, I like to think I get some of the emotional side but probably not, I like cartoons and snacks and running around and going on the swings and picking things up off the floor - but another half of my brain's also getting ready to move on already, it feels like. I like to tidy and clean, read, go on walks, I'm so easily overstimulated and my social battery seems to max out at 30%. If me from 4 years ago saw me now, she'd probably think I'm really boring, and that's true. It's a funny limbo state to be 17.

I know adults always say " You're never too old to do ___!", but they contradict themselves by not actually doing ___ a lot. It's always been scary thinking about being an adult, because adults only have bad things to say about it. They always say they wish they were a kid again. You have a problem as a young person, it's not a big deal compared to what's down the line! They laugh about that, even though it feels extremely important in the now. Adults focus on the And Then while you're more concerned with the Right Now. That's why I quit art in favour of graphics in year 9, and much is the same now. I can only ever think in the short term - and even then, it feels exciting when I have a real To Do list for the day, because mostly I act on a whim and it isn't often I have a plan and finish it. That sounds fine but the issue is I know I can't carry on like that for long. 16 months of community college to go and then I had vaguely planned to go get an illustration degree somewhere new. I wanna get out of my hometown so bad, but I know it'll be completely new and hard. I'll be lonely, which always feels horrible, and I'll be supporting myself financially. Probably get a job, which I'm absolutely not ready for. Not just in the unbearable tedium and anxiety of applying for jobs and going to interviews and making a portfolio, but how the hell am I supposed to find a job that's sufficiently quiet and low-social, but also not boring or useless? For a while I've wanted to work at a library, it sounds perfect for me, but you need a proper english degree to be a librarian I think, and librarian's assistants are not an urgent need I don't think. Monetizing my art sounds like hell on Earth, and the perfect way to lose touch with my most important hobby, but I really don't have any other skills. Maybe a bellboy? Someone who gets paid to tidy things, walk around and be quiet and nice to people? Maybe. It's probably more than that, lol.

I like the idea of moving out more than I would probably actually like it. Being 17 means there's nothing to do in my town. Medium-small sized towns are irritating because they have all the bad parts of a big town (trash, cars, not knowing anyone) and of a small town (nothing interesting to do, far away from any big towns where exciting things happen like concerts) but none of the good of either. I'll admit it's a pretty town, but only in some places and when I'm in the right mood to actually take in and appreciate it's beauty. It feels like I've done everything that should be done here, like a video game with no post-content. Plus, I need to meet new people. Zero fucking friends here (that includes E), and even if I try to befriend the teens here none of them would genunely Get me. I'd be like I always have been: an aquaintance, who people only sort of know and only sort of like, until I drift away from the group without much notice. I feel like I genuinely got this right with the Drama group at college (E's friends), but then things got completely fucking ruined thanks to my social ineptitude and their bad communication skills. Whatever, they'll all be gone in 4 months since performing arts is apparently not recieving the right amount of care and funding to be open any longer. Sucks for them, but. I don't care about them anymore.

Should really go to sleep, but I'll probably watch Youtube for a while. Will return at some point.